Beyond 30 and Single: Anxiety, Panic... Why?

I've recently started inviting my clients to join me in interviews to share their growth journeys with others. They eagerly agree, finding the process therapeutic. It has been a thrilling and wonderful discovery for me too.

In this interview, I speak with a woman in her early 30s (her name has been changed to ensure confidentiality) who is single and has been working through the cultural pressures and outdated narratives that suggest women should be in romantic relationships by a certain age to be considered complete.

Her therapeutic journey is ongoing. We’re sharing our conversation and some of her reflections about ways she is breaking free from those societal expectations. 

Ann: Alright! So we're talking about being 30 plus and single. How is it talking about that?

Shelby: I've been making myself talk about being single more often because I believe it's important. Many of my friends are partnered, but some who are my age and single carry a lot of shame, which saddens me. I'm glad I can discuss it mostly without shame, although there are still days I feel down. It's easier now because more people, including celebrities, are openly sharing their experiences. Hearing their stories—whether they haven't found a partner yet, found one later in life, or lost a partner—has been empowering and liberating.

Ann: I'm interested in what you're saying about the shame. Can you say more about that?

Shelby: I often feel like there must be something wrong with me because I'm an outlier—most of my friends are partnered, and I'm constantly attending weddings. So much of our culture—from the movies, music, and TV—the message is that being single is a problem to be solved, and the older you get, the bigger a problem it is, more so for women than men. For example, one of my favorite movies growing up was “Bridget Jones's Diary,” where she imagines a bleak, lonely future for herself without a partner at age 32: She says, “Eventually, I’ll die alone and be found three weeks later half-eaten by wild dogs.” So yeah, I came to believe, being single at 32… that’s what’s going to happen to me.  I came to believe that there must be something inherently wrong with me if, this late in life (yeah, I considered 30+ to be late in life), I’m still single. Hitting 30 felt like a deadline, making me think that my single status indicated a flaw that made people avoid relationships with me, leading to feelings of shame.

Ann: Where are you now in that process? 

Shelby: I'm breaking out of it, though I'm not sure if it's possible to be completely free from it while still single, given the persistent societal messages. I have days where I feel lonely or question, "When will it be my turn?" or "Were past relationships my only chance?" What’s helped is reframing my thoughts. It might sound cliché, but over the past couple of years, I’ve started to appreciate my long, close friendships and my strong family ties. These relationships provide love, support, and joy, showing me that I’m not alone just because I don’t have romantic love. I’ve learned to value the love I have in my life, instead of desperately chasing a specific kind of romantic love. This shift in focus has been important to me.

Ann:  As we’ve been talking, I’m curious about how you are approaching taking yourself and your life seriously.  I’m wondering, as you transition from feeling shame about being single, are you considering what’s meaningful to you regardless of whether you’re in a partnership or not? 

Shelby: I feel like I’m taking my life more seriously and that there is more to my life than being in a romantic relationship. That is not going to be the sole thing that defines me. I’ve shifted my focus—it’s not that I don’t want a romantic relationship—but I’m also focused on all my relationships that I want to nurture, grow, and enjoy while figuring out how I want to live my life—that’s important, it’s my day-to-day. What am I doing, where am I going, what do I want to be? It doesn’t have to depend on a romantic relationship. For a while, I was in a place where I was thinking, “How am I going to fit a relationship into my life?” But I wasn’t creating a life, I  was waiting for a relationship so I could build my life around it. But I want to build my life NOW, figure out what I want, instead of waiting for a relationship to shape my life. I’VE STOPPED WAITING!

Ann: That’s so very important. I’ve certainly had that experience myself and have worked with many women who spent a very long time putting their wants, goals, needs on hold, waiting for a relationship to change everything for them. So I’m excited to hear that this is new for you. How did that happen?

Shelby: Our therapeutic work, particularly in group, has been helpful. I was afraid of being vulnerable, of saying certain things out loud. For example, it took me a very long time to admit that I had been waiting. I was in my own head, spiraling and downplaying it. Talking things through helped me to feel them more deeply.  I grew in my ability to express myself and I gained some new realizations that made me feel like I can create new goals and plans to achieve them.

When I would bring up the ways certain feelings impacted my dating or my relationships with my family,  the group would often say “What kind of help do you want with that?” or “What do you want to do with that?”

Ann: I’m struck by the last thing you said. When you would presented something, people in the group would sometimes say “What do you want to do with that.”  To me it sounds like a challenge to the waiting activity.

Shelby:  I hadn't thought about that. But yeah, that's true. It’s asking, “What do you want to do?”

Ann Green: It's relating to you as an active creator and changer rather than passively waiting 

Shelby:  I think group therapy has made me feel empowered to be more active and less passive.  It puts the responsibility on me to do things instead of just waiting for things to happen to me.  That's a good point.

Ann: I'm really moved by everything you're saying.  How has this change, your growth, impacted your family? Your friends?

Shelby: You know, I'm very lucky. I've seen different dynamics with friends and their families. I've seen women my age whose mothers were always worried about when their daughters would finally get a boyfriend, despite my friends being accomplished and lovely. My family never made me feel like having a partner was a goal, and I really appreciate that.  Same with my friends. I've never felt excluded or weird when we go out and they're with their significant others while I'm solo. I think part of what's changed is me being more open.

If you’re experiencing anxiety, panic or shame as you struggle to navigate dating and relationships,  Contact Ann Green at Psych Options NYC, our New York City private practice located in Midtown Manhattan (near Penn Station) or online to schedule a virtual or in-person consultation.